The Diddy Kong Racing 5000

Part 1: "Rules, Regulations, and Racers"

(One evening, Banjo is sitting in his little chair in front of the fireplace while playing a Game Boy. Kazooie is looking over Banjo's shoulder looking at him beat the game.)
KAZOOIE: ...................C'mon dude.
BANJO: Juuuust chill.
KAZOOIE: No! This is whack!!
BANJO: Look, homegirl! You'll play when my turn's over.
KAZOOIE: But you've been playin'! For six-
(Two small knocks hit the door.)
UNKNOWN VOICE: The landlord.
(Banjo stopped and looked to the door. Then he started to play his game.)
UNKNOWN VOICE: (Knock Knock Knock) Cable Guy!
(Banjo stopped and looked to the door. Then he started to play his game again.)
UNKNOWN VOICE: (POUND!! POUND!! POUND!!) IT'S THE POLICE!! OPEN UP!!
KAZOOIE: Uh-oh! (Ducks into her backpack and puts her wings straight up into the air) I give up!
BANJO: I'll go see who it is. (Takes off the backpack) You play my game and make sure I win.
KAZOOIE: OK. (Comes out of the backpack and starts playing Banjo's game)
(Banjo opens the door. On the other side stands a yellow raptor in a black business suit. )
BANJO: Who are you?
RAPTOR: Never mind. Follow me.
(The raptor leads Banjo to a white van parked outside Banjo's house. )
BANJO: What's goin' on?
RAPTOR: The racers of Diddy Kong Racing are having a meeting and you're comin' whether you like it or not. Get in!
BANJO: I'm not going.
RAPTOR: What!! You betta get yo' carcass in dat d'ere seat, boy!!
BANJO: No!
(The raptor opened up the passenger seat door, picked up Banjo, and stuffed Banjo in the seat until he looked like an abstract painting. Then the raptor got in and drove away.)
(Now we see the all of the Diddy Kong Racers puzzled as they stand around on the genie call spot on Taj's island. Even T.T. and Drumstick are there. Banjo still looks like an abstract painting.)
BANJO: Can someone help me out here?
CONKER: Oh, you are Banjo. I thought Picasso was near by somewhere.
(Conker pulls on Banjo's nose until he popped back into shape. )
BANJO: Thanks. Now what's goin' on here?
CONKER: Beats me. They just kidnapped me.
BANJO: Me too. And I was in the middle of a game, too.
BUMPER: Hmph! Lucky. They did me cold.
(The scene goes into Bumper's flashback. He was on the phone talkin' to someone (mostly likely a girl) until behind his door he heard a "HEAVE!!..." Then his door was busted down right after a "HO!!!" )
BUMPER: AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Who the heck are you?!!
DKR WALRUS: The bosses of Diddy Kong Racing!!
BUMPER: Don't remember ya!! Now get the heck outta my home!!
WALRUS: You're comin' with us!!
BUMPER: Oh no I'm not.
WALRUS: Oh yes you are.
BUMPER: Nuh-uh!!
WALRUS: Uh-huh!!
BUMPER: Over my dead body!
WALRUS: That can be arranged.
BUMPER: Oh, yeah?
WALRUS: OH YEAH!!
BUMPER: Look!! It's Halley's comet.
(The bosses except the walrus turn around. )
WALRUS: We ain't fallin' for (Halley's comet goes by) that, right guys?
OTHER BOSSES: WHOA!! THAT WAS COOL!!
WALRUS: WHAT?! (He turns around. Bumper runs away.) NO!! I MISSED IT!!
BUMPER: Hah!
WALRUS: GET 'EM!!
(Since the bosses are already fast enough on foot, they easily caught up with Bumper and piled on top of him. Exits flashback.)
BANJO: ..........................Oh......kay..........
(Just then Taj appears in front of the genie mountain. )
DIDDY: Hey look. It's Taj.
(Everyone looks at Taj.)
TAJ: Hello, everyone. I bet you're all wondering why I called you to this meeting.
TIPTUP AND HIS CHOIR: (In Harmony)Mmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm
TAJ: What are they doin' here?
PIPSY: Wmm mm?
TAJ: Oh well. Anyway, the reason that I called you all here is because I am now about to announce the annual Diddy Kong Racing 5000 Race.
DIDDY: Since when there was such a race?
TAJ: Since now.
DIDDY: Oh.
KRUNCH: Wait a minute. So out of the blue, yer just gonna make up some special annual race?
TAJ: That's right.
KRUNCH: I do not see why?
TAJ: I just figured that we outta have an annual race. You know, to bring back the great success of Diddy Kong Racing.
BUMPER: Really.
TAJ: Well, the real reason was because I thought that this is the best chance to see each other again. You know since everyone's goin' off somewhere. Banjo's got his grand-seller. Diddy goin' back to DK Country. Conker's got his own game.
TIMBER: I see your point.
KRUNCH: I don't. What's in it for us?
TAJ: Uh, the satisfaction of.....having played an important role in the Diddy Kong Racing 5000.
KRUNCH: Yeah right. You betta come up with something better than that.
TAJ: I'm open to suggestions.
DRUMSTICK: Well, if I may finally speak in this story, why does the title of the races gotta have Diddy's name in it?
DIDDY: Cuz' it wouldn't sound right if it was called Drumstick Racing.
DRUMSTICK: Hm, gotta point. But, I'm supposed to be the best racer.
DIDDY: No you're not. I'm the best racer.
PIPSY: C'mon now. I got the best control.
KRUNCH: C'mon. I'm the strongest! (Starts raising his hands in the air like Shinnok or Johnny Cage)
TAJ: So what? Banjo's strong, too.
BANJO: Yep, sure am.
KRUNCH: Oh yeah! Well watch this. (Beats on his chest hard.) NO PAIN!!
BANJO: Oh yeah! How 'bout this? (Beats on his head hard. Hollow sounds) NOTHING INSIDE!! Hey, wait minute. That didn't come out right.
KRUNCH: Oh, think you're all that do ya? (Walks over to Timber and puts Timber's arm on Krunch's chest.) Hold me back, Timber.
BANJO: You think you're the man, huh. I'll show you somethin'. (Puts Timber's arm on Banjo's chest.) Hold me back, Timber.
KRUNCH: Hold me back.
BANJO: Hold me back.
KRUNCH: Hold me back.
BANJO: Hold me back.
KRUNCH: Hold me back.
BANJO: Hold me back.
KRUNCH: Hold me back.
BANJO: Hold me back.
TAJ: Ee.....yeah. Now, back to people with intelligence. (Turns to T.T., Conker, and Pipsy)
T.T.: Well, we all know that I-- am the vinna!! (T.T.!) Yeah? (That's winner.) Winner, vinna, whatever.
TAJ: Yeah, but they're right about Pipsy. Everyone says she's the best. (Pipsy takes a curtsy. )
T.T.: WHAT?! YOU MUST BE CRAZY!!
CONKER: Hey, what about me?
TAJ: (Trying to sound happy) Oh yeah!! We all know about you, Conker! I mean let's not even talk about you. (Conker smiles with glee. Taj changes the meaning of the sentence he just said to get off the subject of Conker.) Let's not... even..... talk......... about ... you. (To himself) Why is this startin' to sound like a certain plumber's party? Hm. I got it. (To everyone) I got an idea.
KRUNCH: Well, I'm sure we'd all like to hear it.
TIPTUP CHOIR: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
TAJ: How about this? The winner obviously will get a trophy. So along with it, the winner will get to have his or her own name in the title of our race's name.
DIDDY: Whattaya mean?
TAJ: Well, for example, if Drumstick won, then the new name is the Drumstick Racing 5000.
DRUMSTICK: Yeah, I like it.
KRUNCH: I don't. What else is there?
TAJ: Well, I was also thinking that the winner will also receive two million dollars.
ALL BUT TAJ: $2 MILLION!!
KRUNCH: Show me the money!!
KAZOOIE: Did somebody say $2 million?
BANJO: GAH!!
TAJ: What're you doin' here?
KAZOOIE: I heard somebody say $2 million. So where's the money at, Trunk Face?!
BANJO: Wait a minute. Who's playing my game, Kazooie?
KAZOOIE: Uh, whoops.
(For a quick moment, at Banjo's house, Tooty is playing Banjo's game, and losing too. Back at the island..)
TAJ: I forgot to mention, all of the Diddy Kong Racers are expected, and will, race. Even the four island bosses will be racing.
BUMPER: YEAH!! I have some pay back I want to discuss with them.
TAJ: Even Wizpig will be racing.
ALL BUT TAJ AND KAZOOIE: WHAT?!!!
KAZOOIE: Who's Wizpig?
BANJO: Before I met you, the rest of us encountered Wizpig, an intergalatic space creature who challenged the best racer of all of us to race against him for the rule of the island. (To Taj) But, why would you let that piece of pork ra--
TAJ: You forget that regardless Wizpig is still a racer in Diddy Kong Racing, even though he almost killed us.
CONKER: That's cool, as long as I get a chance to shoot him like he almost shot me. (If you've seen the first ending to Diddy Kong Racing then you know what I'm talking about.)
PIPSY: Ah, ol' Wizpig is a push over. Believe me, I know.
TAJ: Well, he might not be this time. I'm letting you bring in your own vehicles, regardless of what they are, packed with your own weapons or other equipment.
T.T.: Dang, Taj. Why?
TAJ: You'll need them to survive the race I'm giving you.
KRUNCH: Say, what do you mean by.....survive?
KAZOOIE: I'm game. Sign me up, Carpet Guy.
TAJ: Sure, and while we're own the subject, I'm letting thirty entries into the race. I'll put out a commercial advertisement that'll let others enter the race if they want to. A randomly selected few shall race with us.
TIMBER: That sound's cool.
TIPTUP CHOIR: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
TAJ: Well, now if you want go on back to your homes, meeting adjourned!!
TIMBER: Yah!
T.T.: (Looking at himself in a mirror) Well, it's way past my bedtime.
BANJO: I'm goin' to see what happened to my game.
TAJ: Bye everyone, see you tomorrow.
DIDDY: Okay Ta-- Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!! Whattaya mean tomorrow?
TAJ: I need you all to help with the commercial.
KRUNCH: Ain't!!
DKR WALRUS: OH YEAH!!
KRUNCH: I..I..I didn't say nothin'.
TAJ: Good, then see you all tomorrow.
(Everyone leaves, but now the scene moves to behind a near lighthouse. You know who's behind it.)
WIZPIG: Heh, heh, heh. All of the Diddy Kong Racers are now involved. Time to set up my plan. Nobody burns me up in a planet's atmosphere, and lives. (Wizpig teleports out of the scene.)
(Meanwhile outside Gruntilda's lair, Klungo is still trying to free Gruntilda from the rock she's under.)
KLUNGO: Rock...so...heavy. Klungo...tired...of this. Mistress...might....not....make it.
GRUNTY: NO! Not like this. I can't die, now. Keep trying Klungo, and don't have a cow.
(Just then Wizpig appears on the side of the rock.)
KLUNGO: Who....you?
WIZPIG: The name's Wizpig. I understand that you have some trouble here.
KLUNGO: Can't....free....mistress.
GRUNTY: Who's that, Klungo? It better not be Banjo.
WIZPIG: Fortunately for you, no.
(Wizpig kicks the boulder destroying it. Gruntilda pops out with joy.)
GRUNTY: I'm free!! I'm free!! Prepare for trouble Banjo my dear, cuz the name Gruntilda you shall now fear. Klungo, who is this nice young gentleman?
KLUNGO: Pigwhiz...free...mistress...from...rock.
WIZPIG: *&$@($(*@^$)@$*^#@$%(*@ GAH!!!!! DON'T EVER CALL ME THAT!!!!!!
KLUNGO: As you.....say.....Pig--
(Wizpig grabs Klungo's neck with two fingers and chokes him til' he was to tired to stand.)
WIZPIG: (To Grunty) Now, for people with intelligence, my name's Wizpig. Pronounce it right, or else. I understand that you have some "bear" troubles.
GRUNTY: Yes I do. His name is Banjo. I don't like him. Praise Nintendo.
WIZPIG: ......................Praise Nintendo?
GRUNTY: Hey, it's hard to think up rhymes as you talk. You try it and see.
WIZPIG: Okay. Um... I heard you tried to steal the looks from Tooty and wound up defeated by Banjo-Kazooie.
GRUNTY: Yep, that's right and I'll get them back. I just have to figure out how to attack.
WIZPIG: I suggest that we both team up. I hate Banjo too, and his friend Tiptup.
GRUNTY: I've heard of Tiptup. He hid a jiggy. What's wrong wit' him? He ain't no biggy.
WIZPIG: He's a part of Diddy Kong Racing. They almost killed me. Revenge they'll soon be facing.
GRUNTY: Good, but why should I team up with you? Why should it be easier with just us two?
WIZPIG: I'm all powerful, and I'm very fast. Team with me and we'll KICK SOME---
GRUNTY: Pass by me whatever you say. That's not good enough from my portray. Power on you I just cannot see. What can you do? Drop a mountain on me?
(Wizpig raises his hand into the air and Spiral Mountain lifts from the ground and directly over Gruntilda's head.)
GRUNTY: OKAY!! OKAY!! I see you're all that. I believe you now. Please don't make me flat.
WIZPIG: Now that we're partners let's enter your quarters. There we can discuss what we'll do.... to... I mean.......... DAH!!
GRUNTY: See, I told you it's hard to rhyme while you talk.
WIZPIG: I see. Oh well, let's get going. C'mon Klungo.
KLUNGO: Alright, Pigwhiz.
(Spiral Mountain falls on Klungo.)
WIZPIG: Take that!!
(As the villians leave, Banjo and Kazooie come around the corner.)
BANJO: That's funny.
KAZOOIE: What?
BANJO: (Points to where Spiral Mountain used to be.) I coulda sworn Spiral Mountain used to be over there.
KAZOOIE: Maybe it grew eyes, saw Grunty's face, and jumped.
BANJO: Nah, first of all there's no way it can grow eyes, second, Grunty's under tha-- GAH!!!
KAZOOIE: What is it?
BANJO: The boulder that Grunty's supposed to be under is gone.
KAZOOIE: HEY, you're right........for once. (Banjo chokes Kazooie.)
BANJO: We better be on our guard.
(Two days later, Banjo is trying to work on his new car when he starts to hear some screaming.)
BANJO: Huh? That sounded like Tooty. (Kazooie comes busting in.)
KAZOOIE: BANJO, COME QUICK!!! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!
BANJO: COMIN'!!
(They both run to the couch where they find Tooty screaming.)
TOOTY: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
BANJO: What is it?! What did you want me to see?!
KAZOOIE: This. (Points to a T.V.) It's Comeback King IV, and he just found the person who killed him for the sixth time. He just got through killin' her boyfriend.
COMEBACK KING ON TV: You cannot defeat me. I am spirit and beyond. I know who you are. I know who you were. (Now Kazooie's saying it with Comeback King. After all she's seen it about a hundred times.) I've consumed many forms from the day I was born. I was killed when I was twenty. Now, lives, I have plenty. I have watched you grow. Now, I'll watch you die. (Bunch of loud screaming. Banjo makes weird faces because he's looking at a gruesome fatality. Kazooie covers her eyes. Tooty screams some more.)
COMEBACK KING: (Kazooie's still talking along.) May the devil preserve your final resting ground for all eternity. (Commercial break.)
BANJO: That was disgusting.
KAZOOIE: Yeah, wasn't it cool?
BANJO: Tooty, I thought I told you you can't see anymore of those types of movies.
TOOTY: What's wrong, Banjo? Scared of Comeback King?
BANJO: I'm not scared of anything that's not real.
TOOTY: What?! You don't believe in the Comeback King?!
BANJO: Nope. And you shouldn't either.
TOOTY: Shshsh!! He might hear you.
BANJO: Who?
TOOTY: Comeback King.
BANJO: What?
TOOTY: In Comeback King III he killed a man just for not believing in him.
BANJO: I can't believe I'm hearing this. (Happy music comes from the T.V. Banjo turns to the TV.) Hey, there it is!! It's our commercial!!
(Everyone gathers around the TV. On the screen, Banjo, Diddy, Krunch, and Conker are skipping across a meadow holding hands with smiles on their faces. Then Banjo takes his foot and trips Krunch. Diddy pounds on Banjo's head. Conker watches. Krunch kicks Banjo while he's down. Diddy holds down Krunch while Banjo beats up Krunch. Conker tries to strangle Krunch. Banjo has a head lock on Diddy and kicks him in the head twice. Conker soars through the air while Krunch just watches. Diddy tries to hit Banjo, but he missed. Taj pops on the screen.)
TAJ: Wonder why the Diddy Kong Racers are beatin' each other up? It's because we're having a new race. The Diddy Kong Racing 5000. It's one big, hair raising, body bruising, onslaught. Anyone can enter. Just send us your entry, but don't tell us your name cause we want things to be a surprise, we'll contact you by your entry number and announce you on racing day which is June the 8th. The winner will get two million dollars. Be there. (Taj disappears.)
(Conker soars through the air again and Krunch is still looking. Then Krunch pounds Diddy with an iron mallet. Diddy falls on the ground unconcious with multiple Nintendo 64 logos spinning around his head. Fade out.)
TOOTY: .....................Why'd you do that?
BANJO: Trip Krunch?
TOOTY: No. Copy off of the Smash Bros. commercial. You know they won't be pleased.
BANJO: Not to worry. We contacted them. They said it's alright as long as they receive a half of million dollars before the commercial airs. So we rounded up the money and told Kazooie to send it to 'em using Western Union. And she did it, right Kazooie?
KAZOOIE: UHHHHHHHHHH(Door bell rings.) I'LL GET IT!! (Kazooie opens the door.) Nyuh-oh.
BANJO: What is it Kazooie? (Banjo walks over to the door and sees Mario, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Pikachu, Kirby, Link, Fox McCloud, and Samus on the other side. They are all angry.) Hey guys, what's up?
DK: You in about two seconds.
BANJO: What?
MARIO: Where's our money?
PIKACHU: Pi-KA!
BANJO: Excuse me?
FOX: Where's our money?
PIKACHU: Pi-KA!!
BANJO: Oh, I get it. This is a joke, right?
LINK: You dare mock, US?!
PIKACHU: Pi-KA!!!
KIRBY: Give us your wallet!!
BANJO: Hey, what's goin' on?
YOSHI: You aired the commercial and you didn't give us our money.
BANJO: Yeah we did.
PIKACHU: Pi-kaaa......PI-Pikachu!!
BANJO: What'd he say?
SAMUS: He said you're a lyin' piece o' shoe!!
BANJO: But we did. We told you Kazooie sent the money.
YOSHI: Well she must've not sent it Western Union.
BANJO: Sure she did, didn't you Kazooie?
KAZOOIE: Uh...no.
BANJO: What?! Why?!
KAZOOIE: Well it was a couple of more blocks away and I didn't want to go that far so I decided to find the nearest post office.
TOOTY: Uh, guys?
DK: What is it?
TOOTY: (Backs up toward the kitchen) Are you guys gonna beat up Banjo now or do I have time to go get some.... popcorn. (Leaves)
DK: Well, anyway we're still mad at you guys.
BANJO: Don't worry. I'll make it up to you.
MARIO: How?
BANJO: I'll give my Mumbo Tokens.
SAMUS: How's that gonna help?
YOSHI: Yeah, the only cost about one thousandth of a cent.
KIRBY: What? We might as well steal the Triforce. That's $800,000 right there.
LINK: Hey, what're you talkin' about?
KIRBY: Uh, nothin'. (This goes back to the Great Cave Offensive in Kirby's Super Star.)
FOX: No, I have an idea. We'll enter in the race.
MARIO: Yeah, I've been meaning to have a little talk with you Diddy Kong Racers. People are saying that you're better than me. I'd like to see about that.
YOSHI: Yeah, and the best part is, if we win, we get three times as much money than we wanted. (Four times!!) Uh, four times.
DK: Not to mention you, Yoshi. Every demo in Mario Kart 64 you beat me. Well, now Yoshi, it's...pay back time......OH YEAH! (From Mario Kart 64 demos)
MARIO: You heard us, Banjo. Better get ready. There's eight of us so one of us is sure to get in.
PIKACHU: Pi-KA!
(They start to leave.)
LINK: Hey, Kirby.
KIRBY: Yeah?
LINK: What'cha mean about that Triforce thing?
KIRBY: Nothin'.
(The characters of Smash Bros. left the scene. Tooty comes back with some good smellin' popcorn.)
TOOTY: Hey, you're perfectly okay. They didn't beat you up?
BANJO: Leave me alone, Tooty.
TOOTY: Well you're in a grumpy mood today.
BANJO: Yeah, thanks to you and Kazooie. Now leave me alone. (Banjo leaves.)
TOOTY: What's with him?
KAZOOIE: Ah, the Zubbas probably got him today.

Part 2: "More Rules, Regulations, and Racers"

(The setting starts off in Kastle Kaos where Krunch is explaing to his leaders where he'll be in a few days: attending the Diddy Kong Racing 5000.)
BARON K. ROOLENSTEIN: So let us get this straight. You are going to a race, with Diddy as a contender, with dangers galore, to win $2 million?
KRUNCH: Is that a problem?
KING K. ROOL: Not if you wanna die.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: I agree with my brothers. Yer just a wee little croc. Also, them landlubber Kongs cannot be trusted. They're out to get us I tell ye.
KRUNCH: I went after Diddy that other time and nothing happened to me. In fact I had the time of my life.
KING K. ROOL: Eh, I don't like it. Too much can happen.
ROOLENSTIEN: Yeah. Besides, my wife'll kill me if she found out about this. You are her nephew and you know how she'll react when she gets mad.
KRUNCH: Yeah, I remember. You were very fortunate that you survived.
KING K. ROOL: Well I would like to see the Kongs get a taste of their own medicine.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: Yeah, but how? They be some crafty little apes.
ROOLENSTEIN: Hm, What if we entered?
KRUNCH: Well first you have to send in an entry. They'll reply to you if you're accepted. If you are then just come on down to the race tracks, provided you have a vehicle.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: Don't worry. I have that covered. KRUNCH: I don't think a pirate ship is gonna get very far on concrete.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: Oh yeah.
KRUNCH: If you guys enter you'll need a good vehicle. Any kind'll do.
ROOLENSTEIN: Any kind, eh?
KING K. ROOL: Uh oh. Roolenstein's thinkin'.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: Yeah. You know he'll have a plan in about 5... 4... 3..
ROOLENSTEIN: I GOT IT!
KING K. ROOL: Hm, he's gettin' better.
ROOLENSTEIN: Krunch, you can go ahead and race.
KRUNCH: Good. I don't want those bosses on me no more.
ROOLENSTEIN: Alright bros., let's get that entry in before it's too late.
(Then Roolenstein's wife walks in.)
ROOLENSTEIN's WIFE: What are you guys talkin' about?
ROOLENSTEIN: Uh, sports!!
KING K. ROOL: Eh, football!!
ROOLENSTEIN: Sports.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: Skiing.
KRUNCH: Racing. (Roolenstein slaps the back of Krunch's head.) Ow!! I mean....sports.
ROOLENSTEIN's WIFE: Hm. Well, carry on then. I'm leaving to take my vacation now.
KING K. ROOL: Good bye.
KAPTAIN K. ROOL: So long.
ROOLENSTEIN: Good riddance.
ROOLENSTEIN's WIFE: What was that?!
ROOLENSTEIN: Uh.......sports.
(Meanwhile in Donkey Kong's cabin Dixie's dials on the telephone while trying to keep Kiddy asleep.)
DIXIE: C'mon. Pick up.
VOICE: Hello?
DIXIE: Who's this?
VOICE: Tails.
DIXIE: Tails? The Sonic the Hedgehog Tails?
VOICE: Yep.
(Dixie immediately hangs up.)
DIXIE: Whoops. I hope Rareware doesn't find out.
(Dixie tries again.)
KAZOOIE: Speak to me, baby.
DIXIE: Ew! Kazooie.
KAZOOIE: Dixie? Whattaya want?
DIXIE: I want to talk to Tooty. Is she there?
KAZOOIE: Hold on.
TOOTY: Hello?
DIXIE: Hey, girl. It's Dixie.
TOOTY: Dixie. How long has it been? Two months? Three?
DIXIE: Five hours.
TOOTY: .........Oh.
DIXIE: You forgot about me that quick?
TOOTY: Sorry. It's just that Banjo keeps pesterin' me about losing his game a few days back.
DIXIE: Really?
TOOTY: Yeah, he said he almost won, too. He gettin' on my nerves.
DIXIE: Well you're not the only one with bad times.
TOOTY: So what's goin' on with you?
DIXIE: Diddy's goin to some kind of race or somethin'. Says he's gotta go.
TOOTY: It must the Diddy Kong Racing 5000.
DIXIE: The who?
TOOTY: Diddy Kong Racing 5000.
DIXIE: Is that the commercial where I saw Krunch hit Diddy with an iron mallet?
TOOTY: Sure is.
DIXIE: Oooh. I'm gonna get him for that!!
(Kiddy starts crying)
DIXIE: Oh no. And I just got him to go asleep.
(Donkey Kong comes in.)
DONKEY KONG: Dixie, what happened? I'm trying to talk to my..... new associate.
DIXIE: Sorry, I made some loud noises and he woke up.
KIDDY: I was havin' me a good ol' dream, too.
DIXIE: But everything's alright.
DK: Okay.
(Donkey Kong goes downstairs to finish talking with his "associate".)
DONKEY KONG: So, do we have a deal?
BOWSER: Yeah. I'll provide the car. You choose the weapons.
DK: Good. Yoshi won't know what hit'em!
BOWSER: Ahem.
DK: Don't worry. You'll get your chance at Mario.
BOWSER: Good. Wario will be joining us. I hope that's not problem.
DK: Not at all, unless you don't tell him to stop kissing his bombs.
BOWSER: I will. I don't wanna risk getting blown up.
DK: No. Not because that. Kissing bombs is just plain nasty!! It's like he's married to them bombs or somethin'.
BOWSER: *^$*^@#*$^$*&$(#*& AHHH!!! (Sarcastically) Thanks for that image. Well I better get going.
DK: Wait a minute.
BOWSER: What's up?
DK: Where's my father? I haven't seen him since the first Super Mario Kart.
BOWSER: What? You mean Donkey Kong Jr.?
DK: Yeah.
BOWSER: He's perfectly fine. I'll get him to race with us. It must be weird having your father's name be junior. Oh well. See ya.
DK: Okay. (Bowser walks out the cabin. Since this is the cabin from the video game.....) BOWSER!!!
WATCH OUT FOR THAT FIRST....
BOWSER: Whoa!! POAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! *#%($&#(&$)_)_%#*
Oof. (Bunch of loud crashes.) Eehhoohoohoohooee!!! (POW!!!)
GOOFY: Hrrrrrrrr!! That's my phrase!!
(Dixie comes running downstairs.)
DIXIE: DONKEY!! What happened?!!
DONKEY KONG: My uh..friend...just missed a step.
DIXIE: Let me see if he's alright.
DONKEY KONG: NO!!!!!!!!
DIXIE: Huh?
DK: I mean....no. I'm sure he's fine. (Whispers down to Bowser) You are alright, right?
BOWSER: (In extreme pain) It's all good.
DK: (To Dixie) See.
DIXIE: Well, alright then.
(Dixie goes back upstairs and back on the phone.)
DIXIE: Hello.
TOOTY: I'm still here. What was that all about? It sounded like Goofy back there.
DIXIE: Not sure. DK says everythings okay, though.
TOOTY: Hm. Oh well, anyway, I don't think it's such a good idea.
DIXIE: C'mon, Tooty. We'll win $2 million.
TOOTY: If we win.
DIXIE: Hey, Funky can make a car for us. He's too airheaded to ask any questions.
TOOTY: I don't know.
DIXIE: You'll get to show off on Banjo.
TOOTY: Hmmmmmmmm. Gotta point. Alright I'll do it.
DIXIE: Good. I'll mail the envelope. Call ya later. (Hangs up.)
KIDDY: What're you up to?
DIXIE: Nothin' if you keep quiet.
KIDDY: Oh yeah? DONKEY K-- (Dixie covers up Kiddy's mouth.)
DIXIE: Alright. Name your price. (Uncovers his mouth.)
KIDDY: I want a color blue Game Boy with one of those cords where two people can play, my own room, ten pancakes every time I eat breakfast instead of that stupid bottle, my own video game- I think it's time for a Donkey Kong Country 4-, then after that my own racing game- Kiddy Kong Racing- some carmel apple blowpops, (harmony) Fiiiive Golden Ringggggggggs, (out of harmony) Candy- and I'm not talking about the food kind either,.....
DIXIE: How about I just get you five lollypops?
KIDDY: DONKEY KON--(Kiddy's mouth is covered up again.)
DIXIE: C'mon, Kiddy. Five Lollypops. (Let's go of his mouth.)
KIDDY: Make it thirty.
DIXIE: Five.
KIDDY: Thirty.
DIXIE: Five.
KIDDY: Thirty.
DIXIE: Five.
KIDDY: Thirty.
DIXIE: Thirty.
KIDDY: Alright.
DIXIE: Hey!! You're supposed to say five. I'm supposed to trick you.
KIDDY: Just shows ya who has the brains around here........Uh oh.
DIXIE: What's wrong?
KIDDY: I think I need changing.
DIXIE: Not a problem. DONKEY KONG?!!
KIDDY: Hey, what're you doing?! He's too strong. He'll poke me with the pin.
DIXIE: I know.
KIDDY: I'll tell him about your plan.
DIXIE: Then you won't get your lollypops.
KIDDY: Hey, but, that's not fair. (Donkey Kong enters)
DK: What's wrong?
DIXIE: I'm gettin' sleepy and Kiddy needs changing. Will you do it for me?
DK: Ew. Oh well, I'll do it.
KIDDY: NO!
(Donkey Kong leaves with Kiddy in his hands. Dixie watches them leave with a sinister smile on her face.)
(Later that night in Gruntilda's Lair, Wizpig and Grunty are chatting about their plan.)
GRUNTY: What exactly are the stages? You must have some for these races.
WIZPIG: I don't know. Taj is keeping everything a surprise. I'm not sure if even he knows. Oh well, you know what to do, right?
GRUNTY: What to do? Of course I know. During the race- ATTACK BANJO!! And if he tries to stop me, you'll beat him and win the money. We'll attack his body and his pride. Banjo will have no place to hide. We'll both attack him at once, and then maybe villians will win for once.
WIZPIG: You said "once" twice. Does that count as a rhyme?
GRUNTY: I don't know. They didn't count off for it at witch school.
WIZPIG: Dah well, time to find more allies. Any ideas?
GRUNTY: Yeah, I've got one. I'll be right back. He'll definitely help in our attack.
(Grunty leaves)
WIZPIG: Good. I have an idea, too. (He makes himself a seethrough portal. On the other side is King Dedede.)
WIZPIG: Yo, Dedede.
DEDEDE: Wizpig! How's it goin' buddy?
WIZPIG: Not much, just tryin' to get revenge on DKR, win some extra dollars, makin' new friends, that sort of thing.
DEDEDE: That's nice.
WIZPIG: Say, I could use your help. Why don't enter in the DKR 5000 and help me get revenge on DKR?
DEDEDE: Way ahead of you.
WIZPIG: Whattaya mean?
DEDEDE: I saw the commercial, sent in my entry, waited a couple of days, got a response saying I'm in, made my vehicle, got some weapons and everything!!
WIZPIG: ..........Oh. Well in that case, what about me?
DEDEDE: I think I can slide in some assisstance for ol' time sake.
WIZPIG: Great. See if any of your friends'll help out, too. Kracko, Whispy Woods......well maybe not Whispy since he's a tree and all.
DEDEDE: I understand. I'll see who I can round up.
WIZPIG: Thanks, see ya man.
DEDEDE: Good luck. (Portal disappears) You'll need it. I'm only helpin' you get revenge. I didn't say anything about winning.
WIZPIG: There, now that's takin' care of. (Grunty comes back) Hey Grunty, where's your friend?
GRUNTY: He's gettin' everything ready.
WIZPIG: What's his name?
GRUNTY: Lucy.
WIZPIG: ...........but that's a girl's name.
GRUNTY: Well if I told you who he really was he'd kill you and me.
WIZPIG: Is that so?
GRUNTY: Yep.
WIZPIG: Say Grunty.
GRUNTY: Yeah.
WIZPIG: Why aren't you rhyming?
GRUNTY: Whoops! I forgot. I mean... I have no idea my big ol' friend, but at least I know Banjo's life will end!
WIZPIG: And?
GRUNTY: Oh, don't worry about the other racers. They'll be squashed like Vanilla Wafers.
WIZPIG: Vanilla Wafers?
GRUNTY: Hey, at least I rhymed. (Klungo steps in with a TV)
KLUNGO: Klungo find TV.
WIZPIG: I thought I killed you.
KLUNGO: Klungo easily lift up mountain. Klungo that strong.
GRUNTY: WAIT A MINUTE!! YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THAT STRONG?!! THEN YOU COULD OF SAVED ME ALL ALONG!!!
KLUNGO: Uuuhhhhhhhhhhh.... (Grunty picks up her broomstick.)
WIZPIG: (To Klungo) FOOL, YOU BETTA RUN!!!!!!!!!!
(Klungo tries to run but he still has that walking problem so Grunty ran over and beat him down like Quan Chi's Leg Beat Fatality.)
KLUNGO: (Grunty hit him) BAH!! (Grunty hit him) GAH!! (Grunty hit him) POO!! (Grunty hit him) AHH!! (Grunty hit him) REE!! (Grunty hit him) ACK!! (Grunty hit him) OHH!! (Grunty hit him) RAH!! (Grunty hit him) KAH!!
WIZPIG: WAIT!! WAIT!! Here's the new commercial!!
(Grunty and a beat up Klungo look at the TV.)
WIZPIG: Here's my BIG debut!!
(On the TV Banjo, Kazooie, and Bottles are sitting in a forest at night with a campfire.)
BANJO: You don't understand! He's after us! (Kazooie just smirks) HE'S BIG!! (Banjo raises his hand forming a shadow making teeth on a tree.) He's got HUGE TEETH!! (Bottles looks around because he's scared.) A BIG SNOUT!! (Screen zooms on Banjo's eyes) EVIL EYES!! (Kazooie smirks some more. Bottles bites on his fingernails.) Magic and scorcery everywhere!
KAZOOIE: (Sarcastically) Yeah, and pigs can fly. (Roaring sound comes from the sky. The three campers look up. A pink and purple blur soars down on them.)
TAJ's VOICE: EXACTLY!!!!!!!! (The blur catches Kazooie and lifts her into the air.) Good guys beware!!!!
KAZOOIE: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
TAJ's VOICE: Here comes the DKR 5000!!! (Wizpig is on the screen taking a bow.) Featuring Wizpig. This race challenges all of you out there to show us what you got. Just send us your entry and we'll tell you if you're in or not. (Up to 30 entries.)
(On the screen shows the night sky with Wizpig in the background carrying Kazooie.)
KAZOOIE: Help!!! HEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WIZPIG's VOICE: Get N or get out!! (Commercial fades out.)
WIZPIG: And the best part about it is that we can't get sued.
GRUNTY: ........What happened to your old commercial?
WIZPIG: You're not rhyming.
GRUNTY: I mean- Yeah that's good, but where's the old one? Even though this one's a bit more fun.
WIZPIG: Some fool didn't send the money Western Union like she was told to so we did two new commercials.
GRUNTY: Two?
WIZPIG: Yeah.
GRUNTY: I wanna see the next one. I hope that's also kinda fun.
KLUNGO: Klun....go......hope......so.......too.
GRUNTY: SHUT UP, TRAITOR!! (She hits Klungo again.)
KLUNGO: Ow.
(The next morning at Banjo's house, Banjo is putting the finishing touches on his car.)
BANJO: AHH!! Finally. I'm in the story. (DO YOUR JOB!!!) Uh, I'm finally finished with my car. (Bottles pops out of a nearby molehill.)
BOTTLES: Hey, Banjo. (Squints) You are Banjo, right?
BANJO: Yeah, it's me.
BOTTLES: Good. I heard you say something about a finished car.
BANJO: Yeah, take a look.
BOTTLES: (Squinting) It looks like your head, only bigger.
BANJO: That is my head. It's the outline of the car. Like it?
BOTTLES: Uh.
BANJO: Oh, watch this. When I sit in it, (He sits in it.) I become the eyeball of my own head. Pretty neat, huh?
BOTTLES: Kinda weird to me. I mean havin' your head as a vehicle. It's just...weird.
(Kazooie and Tooty step in.)
BANJO: Well, if it isn't the game losers.
TOOTY: "Sigh" You just have to bring that up, don'tcha?
KAZOOIE: Is that the new car?
BANJO: Sure is. You like?
KAZOOIE: As you would say...corr!! But where's my part?
BANJO: Your part?
KAZOOIE: Yeah, Banjo. My part. We ARE racing together. Don't I get a share of the car design?
BANJO: ..............Just a moment. (Works on it some more)
BOTTLES: Hey, how have you been, Tooty?
TOOTY: I've had better days.
KAZOOIE: Hey, what about me? You're not gonna ask how my day was, Goggles?
BOTTLES: You know, that's why I never ask you. You keep callin' me Goggles.
KAZOOIE: Alright then. I won't call you Goggles.
BOTTLES: Mean it?
KAZOOIE: Nope!
BOTTLES: That's it!! I've had it with you, Kazooie!! I'm erasing your game pak!!
KAZOOIE: You dumb mole. This is a story, not a video game. You can't erase my game pak.
BOTTLES: Well, I'm not gonna sit around and let you insult me anymore.......I'm entering the race.
KAZOOIE: Well, I gladly anticipate your imminent demise then.
BOTTLES: It'll be worth it to see you get what you deserve.
KAZOOIE: I'm lookin' forward to it.
BOTTLES: Fine by me.
(Bottles storms off.)
KAZOOIE: OH WAIT!! ONE MORE THING!!!
BOTTLES: What?!
KAZOOIE: .................Goggles.
BOTTLES: &$&*#%^&$%&%
(Bottles leaves.)
TOOTY: Why'd you do that?
KAZOOIE: C'mon. I was just playin' with him.
TOOTY: You didn't have to be so mean. Bottles is a nice person. Besides, I'd be scared if I were you.
KAZOOIE: Why?
TOOTY: You know about that "Tick The Mole Off" part of the game. He threatened to erase your game pak. I think he would of done it too.
KAZOOIE: Nah, he wasn't gonna do nothin'.
TOOTY: I hope so for your sake. For all we know he could be the Comeback King in disguise.
KAZOOIE: What? Ol' near-sighted short-brained mole: the Comeback King? Nah.
TOOTY: Whatever.
(Banjo comes back.)
BANJO: Alright, Kazooie, here you go. A pair of nice little red and gold feathered wings on each side of the car.
KAZOOIE: Now that's cool.
BANJO: There, now everything's set. All we have to do is wait for the day of the race.
TOOTY: Cool, I'll go check on my car. (Starts to leave)
BANJO: Your what?!
TOOTY: I mean my.....cards. Yeah, that's it. A friend borrowed them so I'm getting them back. Heh heh. (Leaves)
BANJO: She's been acting kind of suspicious lately.
KAZOOIE: Really? I haven't noticed. (Steps inside the car)
BANJO: Maybe I should watch her more closely.
KAZOOIE: Wonder what this button does here.
BANJO: NO!! THAT'S THE-- (KA- BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! A black Banjo and black Kazooie stand in the center of a crater.) --self...destruction...button.
(Tooty comes running back.)
TOOTY: What the heck happened?!!
BANJO: Nothin' Kazooie can't fix.
KAZOOIE: Yeah, nothin' Kazooie can't..... Hey, wait a minute!!
BANJO: You blew it up. You fix it up. Make it quick. (Throws Kazooie a wrench.)
KAZOOIE: Sheesh.

Part 3: "Racers, Start Your Engines!"

(It's June the 8th and all of the racers are waiting to be announced in front of Taj's new stadium.)
TAJ: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and welcome to my stadium. It is now time for the annual DIDDY KONG RACING 5000!!!!!!
(Bunch of cheers)
TAJ: But before we begin, this program was brought to you by Western Union- The fastest way to send money worldwide. If your aunt sprung a leak, friend's car broke down, (Angerily) your boss told you to send money to a company so we won't get sued by that same company after we air the commercial so we can get advertised, (Happily) then use Western Union. Now on to the racers.
(Taj floats down on his magical carpet and to the road where the Diddy Kong Racers await.)
TAJ: Now I give the honor of introducing themselves to the Diddy Kong Racers.
TIMBER: Thank you, Taj. We shall introduce ourselves to the theme of our game with our own tune. That means that it's gonna be really hard for Banjo. Maestro, if you please.
(The music from the select your racer music in DKR plays. Timber is the first to sing.)
(You should really play DKR before reading this part. It goes by each person's individual tune.)
TIMBER: -Some people call me TIMber- -I call myself the WINner- -And after this I'll BUY some dinner- -I'll have me a steak- -And without a mistake- -In the end I'll have a tummy ache-
TIPTUP: -My name's Tiptup- -I'm the man so what's up- -When I'm racing, people will have to catch up- -When I win the money I will give it to my choir- -And then our fame will go higher-
DRUMSTICK: -The name is Drumstick- -And I ain't no chick- -I'm old enough to see R-rated flicks- -The race is mine- -Don't waste my time- -In the race you will fall behind-
PIPSY: -It's me, Pipsy- -The best, obviously- -My control and speed will earn me the money- -Drumstick is a chick and he's making me sick- - If I was betting, him I won't pick-
BUMPER: -Bumper is my name- -Winning is my game- - This race will increase my fame- -Get out my face- -All that race- -Or I'll knock you clear to space-
DIDDY: -My name is Diddy, you must obey me- -Obey me, or I'll kill you with fatality- -The name of this race has my name in it- -Do as I say and you will not get hit-
T.T.: -It's me, T.T.- -Obey me, not Diddy- -Or I'll kill you with a fatality- -I am very fast so this race will not last- -After this I'll just go and relax-
CONKER: -My name's Conker- -And guess what? I'll conquer- -When I race, all you'll hear is my honker- -My car will pass you and make you look like a fool- -When I win please don't go "boo hoo"-
BANJO: -What's up. Banjo is my name.-
KAZOOIE: -It's Kazooie. Everything is okay.-
BOTH: -We declare ourselves the winners for today.-
KAZOOIE: -We are the famous team up-
BANJO: -So watch yourself there TipTup-
BOTH: -Your choir's fame may never go up-
KRUNCH: -Uh, my name is Krunch- -And I have a hunch- -That there's some tasty Cap'n Crunch- -I'll give him a punch and eat 'im for lunch- - With only one single munch-
TAJ: ...........What did that have to do with anything?
KRUNCH: I'm hungry.
TAJ: Eeyeah. Now let's move on to our extra special racers. These people were selected among hundreds of people to race in our program. (Takes out a card) As I call your entry name please come out and introduce yourself to us. Ahem ahem. ENTRY NUMBER ONE!!!
(Wizpig teleports into the stadium.)
WIZPIG: How you doin' everybody? My name's Wizpig! You must dig this pig!! Why, do you ask? Because when I race, no one's gonna stand in my way!!
DIDDY: That's because you're so ugly, no one WANTS to stand in your way.
WIZPIG: Hey, I heard that!!
DRUMSTICK: With those big ears, it's no wonder.
TAJ: Can I continue, please? Okay, ENTRY NUMBER TWO!!
(Out comes the bosses of DKR)
SQUID: Hi everyone.
DRAGON: Ya'll might as well give up.
TRICERATOPS: Yeah, cause we're gonna win this race.
WALRUS: Yep, yep, that's us. (Smiles with his mouth wide open.)
PIPSY: Ew!!
BUMPER: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! SHUT-YOUR-MOUTH!!
WALRUS: Why I outta...
TAJ: Ahem!! Race in progress?!! Moving right along...ENTRY NUMBER THREE!! (Yoshi and Pikachu on a motorcycle drive out.)
YOSHI: Good morning!! I'm Yoshi!!
PIKACHU: PIKA!!
YOSHI: That's Pikachu!! And my little motorcycle friend here is 2WD from Stunt Race FX. We're in it for the money.
TAJ: (Sarcastically) Good for you. ENTRY NUMBER FOUR!! (A giant Hot Wheels car comes out. It's windows are black so he can't be identified.)
DIDDY: Whoa.
TAJ: Who might you be?
MYSTERY CAR: I'm just a racer looking for extra money for my company.
TAJ: Hm. Well good luck to ya mystery person.
KAZOOIE: Oh no.
BANJO: What is it?
KAZOOIE: What if that's the Comeback King, and he's come to kill us all because you don't believe in him?
BANJO: That's enough, Kazooie. He's not real.
KAZOOIE: (Covers her ears) I'm not listening to you!!
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER FIVE!! (The Great Fox soars in the air.)
WIZPIG: GAH!!!!!
DIDDY: What the?!!!!
BANJO: Oh sweet honeycombs, we're in for it now.
TAJ: You are....?
FOX: The Starfox Team!! Same purpose as Yoshi.
TAJ: I see.
BUMPER: M..m...m..my that's a real big ship.
WIZPIG: You're goin' down, Fox!!
FOX: We'll see.
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER SIX!!! (Kirby comes out on a wheelie.)
KIRBY: Hi. I'm Kirby. This looks like a wheelie, but he's actually my good friend TAC. Say hello, TAC.
TAC: Hi.
DIDDY: So the little puff ball wants some o' this.
YOSHI: Hey, don't talk about my eating friend like that.
KIRBY: Thanks Yoshi, but I won't need your help against that fool.
DIDDY: FOOL?!
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER SEVEN!!
DIDDY: Hey. (They hear a loud "Wahay!!")
BANJO: Oh no. Don't tell me he- (Boggy came out on a sled.) Oh no.
BOGGY: Wahay!! My name's Boggy. I think I'll just go ahead and wup all o' ya'll and take the trophy.
PIPSY: Hey, T.T. That's the guy who stole your phrase.
T.T.: RRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
BOGGY: Uh oh.
PIPSY: Hey, don't start taking MY phrase.
T.T.: So you like saying WAHAY, eh?!! How about I give you some wahay upside your head?
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER EIGHT!! (Link and Samus come out on Epona. As Epona makes a stop, everyone busts out laughing.)
KAZOOIE: LA..LOOK BANJO!!! AH HA HA HHA!! HE..He's on a HORSE!!!!
DIDDY: I..I..I THOUGHT WIZPIG WAS STUPID Ha HA HA Ha HA!!!
WIZPIG: S..ss...say, Link. (Points to the west.) The Texas Rodeo is back THAT way. (Everyone laughs some more.)
LINK: Laugh all you want, but I think that we will prove to be a formidable adversary.
SAMUS: Yeah.
FOX: Wh..Wh..What ever you...s..say, man.
PIKACHU: Pi..Pi...Pika!!
TAJ: Next on...ou....our.....ha ha ha....s...sorry....list....is...ENTRY NUMBER NINE!!! (A man in a dark suit comes out with and AR33 Assualt Gun.)
MAN: I am Trevelyan. I shall beat all of you.
TAJ: Hey, where's your car?
TREVELYAN: I won't need one. (Everyone laughs some more. Link just snickers.)
DIDDY: Link, I'm sorry. This one's even dumber. PPP HA HA HA HA...
WALRUS: Some people.
BANJO: All we need now is James Bond to finish it off.
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER TEN!!! (A tank approaches.)
BANJO: Oops. Spoke to soon.
KAZOOIE: C'mon out, Mr. Bond. (A small stuffed animal pops out on top of the tank.)
YOSHI: Hey, you're not James Bond.
ANIMAL: Correct. I'm Snuggles.
ALL: Snuggles?!!!
SNUGGLES: That's right. I know you all remember that Battletanks commercial.
ALL: Oh yeah.
SNUGGLES: I don't appreciate gettin' my arm shot on fire, half my head gone, and tank marks across my body. Well now let's see how YOU feel like it!!
(Goes back in. Everyone shuts up.)
TAJ: Um, o-kay. Ahem, next is ENTRY NUMBER ELEVEN.
(The Flying Krock flies next to the Great Fox.)
FOX: Hey, what the?
KAPTAIN K.ROOL: G'day, mates.
KING K. ROOL: That's Austrailian, fool!!!
KAPTAIN: Oops, I mean... AArrrr!!! Avast there ye' landlubbers.
KING: We're the K.ROOL BROTHERS!!
BARON K. ROOLESTEIN: And we're gonna give ya trouble, AIN'T THAT RIGHT, KREMLINGS?!!!!
KREMLINGS: YAH YEAH YAHOO YA YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!
DIDDY: Oh-no.
SLIPPY: That's not fair.
KING: Deal with it.
TAJ: Okay, let's bring out ENTRY NUMBER TWELVE!!!! (A Dragon head-looking car drives out.)
BOWSER: It's me, Bowser!!
DONKEY KONG: Hello, Donkey Kong here.
DK JR.: Hey, it's Donkey Kong Jr.
WARIO: I'ma Wario!!! I'ma GONNA WIN!!!
BOWSER: Excuse me?
WARIO: I mean, WE'RE gonna win, heh heh.
TAJ: That sure is an odd mixup.
BOWSER: Not really. We're all Mario's enemies. And we've raced in Mario Kart as heavy people.
WARIO: By the way, where IS Mario?
TAJ: I don't know, but anyway...ENTRY NUMBER THIRTEEN!!!
VOICE: I'MA NOT GOIN' OUT THERE!!!
TAJ: Huh?
BOWSER: I recognize that! That's MARIO!! Man, get your butt out here!!
MARIO: Nuh uh.
TAJ: It's alright, Mario. We aren't gonna hurt you.
BOWSER: OOhhhhhhh, yes we are.
MARIO: See.
LUIGI: C'mon. Don't be such a baby.
BOWSER: Yeah, Mario. Don't be such a baby.
MARIO: Oh, alright. (A big plunger car drives out.)
TAJ: There see. That wasn't so bad.
BOWSER: We're gonna kill you, Mario!!!
TAJ: Shut up, Bowser. Can't you see he's whimpering?
BOWSER: C'mon, can't a guy have a little fun?
KAZOOIE: Yeah, but what are YOU gonna do?
BOWSER: That's it!! You're on my hit list.
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER FOURTEEN!!!! (King Dedede comes out all alone.)
KING DEDEDE: How ya doin', people? I'm KING DEDEDE!!!!
TAJ: Where's YOUR car?
KAZOOIE: Don't tell us you don't have one.
KING DEDEDE: Oh, I've got one. Hang on a sec. I'll be RIGHT back. (His Left eye twinkles and he jumps into the air clear out of sight.)
TAJ: Where's he going?
KIRBY: Even I don't know.
TAJ: Let's continue. ENTRY NUMBER FIFTEEN!!!! (A huge van drives into the scene. Inside are the Killer Instinct characters.)
TAJ: And who might you guys be?
JAGO: What do you mean who are we?
ORCHID: You don't know us?
DIDDY: Nope.
WIZPIG: Not a clue.
KAZOOIE: I think I know.
KIRBY: Good, cuz I sure don't.
CINDER: Alright, who are we?
KAZOOIE: You're uuuhhhhhhhh........don't tell me I'll get it...uh.......
CINDER: Sheesh.
KIM WU: We're the-
KAZOOIE: No don't worry I'll get it. Uh.......um.......
KIRBY: I don't think we know you.
GLACIUS: WHAT?!
YOSHI: How about some hints? Are you video game characters?!
ORCHID: I'm INSULTED!!!
YOSHI: I guess that means yes.
PIKACHU: PIKA-CHU-PIKAPIKA-CHU-PI-PIKA-PIKACHU-PI!!
GARGOS: What the HECK did that thing say?
YOSHI: He says- "I KNOW!! YOU'RE THE GUYS FROM DARKSTALKERS!!"
SPINAL: WHAT?!!
TAJ: OOhh. Sorry, guys. This race is Nintendos only.
SNUGGLES: What?
TAJ: Well, if you're a video game character, anyway.
FULGORE: (Puts a hand on his face.) I can't believe I'm hearing this. (Angrily) WE ARE NOT DARKSTALKERS!!!!
DIDDY: Then who ARE you?
ALL KI CHARACTERS: GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
KAZOOIE: I GOT IT!!
JAGO: WHAT?! And it BETTER not be Mortal Kombat!!
KAZOOIE: Ya- Uh.....I...I'll get back to you.
COMBO: "SIGH"!!!!!
BOWSER: OOH OOH!!! YOU'RE STREET FIGHTER!!!!
ALL KI CHARACTERS: WE'RE NINTENDO PEOPLE!!!!!!
TIMBER: Oh yeah. What company?
TUSK: Rareware!!
DIDDY: Rarrrrrrrewarrrrrrre.....Nope, sorry.
TAJ: We're wasting time. ENTRY NUMBER SIXTEEN!!!! (A brown and yellow racing car with black windows drives up.) Okay. Who are you?
DIXIE: We're oop I mean (Tries to do a deep masculine voice) We're just a couple o' guys who.. a... want the competition.
TOOTY: (Trying to do the same thing) Uh, yeah.
TAJ: Good luck you two.
DONKEY KONG: OH!!! MACE: THE DARK AGES!!!!!
MAYA: DID WE NOT JUST SAY WE ARE FROM RAREWARE?!!
DONKEY KONG: Oh yeah.
KAZOOIE: Hey, you guys in the van?
JAGO: What?
KAZOOIE: Are you sure you're not Mortal Kombat?
ALL KI: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KAZOOIE: Just checking. (Looks in the sky) You're uh............uhhhhhh..............WHAT THE?!!!! (They all look at a huge object coming down)
DIDDY: IT'S A BIRD!!!!
(SHUT UP!!!! THAT PHRASE IS GETTIN' OLD!!!!)
DIDDY: Sorry.
KIRBY: It's King Dedede.....I think.
(King Dedede's monster robot from Kirby's Dream Course lands on the ground.)
KING DEDEDE: Heh heh. How do you like it?
WIZPIG: Dog, Dedede. You went all out!!!
DEDEDE: Thanks. (Looks over at KI) What's Darkstalkers doin' here?
ALL KI: THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE THE KILLER INSTINCT CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!!!
KAZOOIE: ...............No, that's not right.
ALL KI: YES IT IS!!!!
JAGO: Remember the commercial of the man chainsawin' that arcade game?!
ORCHID: And the one with the kids swearing about the game but they we're censored?
ALL BUT KI: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LINK: Dang, what happened to ya'll?!!
DKR WALRUS: Yeah, two or three games and that's it.
DIDDY: It's been some years, hasn't it?
COMBO: Yeah, our contract with Rareware didn't go to well.
TAJ: Yeah, that's nice, but we're runnin' outta time here. ENTRY NUMBER SEVENTEEN!! (Another tank comes. James Bond pops out.)
JAMES: The name's Bond...-
TAJ: ENTRY NUMBER EIGHTEEN!!
JAMES: Hey, I'm not finished. (Bottles comes out in a car looking like his head.)
BOTTLES: Morning, everyone.
TAJ: Actually we've wasted so much time it's the afternoon, now.
BOTTLES: Oh, well, good afternoon. I'm Bottles- the nearsighted mole.
DIDDY: Nice to see you, Bottles. Too bad you're not gonna win.
BOTTLES: That's alright.
ALL: THAT'S ALRIGHT?!!!!!!
BOTTLES: I'm just hear for the race. Meet my partners.
MUMBO: Hello, huge audience. Me Mumbo, best shaman in all game.
BOTTLES: First of all, you're the ONLY shaman around. Second, this is a race.
MUMBO: Oh.
BRENTILDA: Hello. I'm Brentilda.
TAJ: Well, aren't you lovely?
BRENTY: Thank you.
TAJ: Say, what are you doing AFTER this race?
ALL BUT BRENTY: TAJ!!
TAJ: What?
KAZOOIE: Can you get your mack on later? Right now I want to race.
TAJ: Okay okay. I'll introduce the last two at the same time. ENTRIES NUMBER NINETEEN AND TWENTY!!!
(Two racers come out. One looks like the head of Sonic the Hedgehog. The other is Crash Bandicoot on a motorcycle.)
ALL NINTENDOS: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!
(All of the Nintendos (including the audience) take out their guns, rocket launchers, AR33s, laser guns, fire flowers, eggs, and whatever kind of heavy artillery they may have and fire their ammunition at the last two cars. The Sonic car got caught in a heavy explosion and was sent far off into the background and out of sight.)
CRASH: (Stopping his motorcycle with his eyes widened)
I'm OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!
(He drives off back to where he came from with all time of weapons following him on the way out.)
KAZOOIE: A yeah ye yea YEAH!! NINTENDO RULES!!!!!!!
SNUGGLES: You guys are shameless.
KAZOOIE: Ain't it the truth.
TAJ: Well now we have two empty spots. I'll randomly call out two envelopes from my entry bag. (Reaches in the bag and pulls out one.)
TAJ: This envelope belongs to....the...wandering....running man? THAT MAN: Yes!! (He comes down to the racers)
LINK: OH NO!! NOT HIM AGAIN!!
TAJ: State your name.
MAN: I'm the wandering running man, but you can just call me Steve.
TAJ: Alright, ...Steve.
STEVE: I've been searching for some competitors with a true killer instinct.
JAGO: Well that would be US!!!!
STEVE: Who are you?
ALL KI: GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TAJ: Where have you been? We've already discussed who these guys were.
STEVE: Sheesh, I've only been here for five minutes.
TAJ: Let's move on. (Pulls out another envelope) This one says.....Master Hand?
VOICE: MuHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
ALL SMASH BROS.: UH OH!!!!
(Master Hand comes floating down.)
MASTER HAND: Afternoon, all. I'm Master Hand.
ALL SMASH BROS.: NO!!!!!
TAJ: Well, congratulations. You're our last contestant. We are glad to have you here.
ALL SMASH BROS.: NO WE AIN'T!!!!!
MASTER HAND: Ignore them. They can't handle the master of smash!!!
TAJ: Finally, we're finished with the racers.
ALL: YAH!!
TAJ: Now onto the rules.
ALL: WHAT?!!
TAJ: The winner will be determined by the number of points they obtain. In each stage, the first place winner will get thirty points, 2nd gets 29 points, 3rd gets 28 points, and so forth. Each stage will have their own way of stopping you from winning. If you're car is destroyed or for some reason you cannot race anymore, you are officially eliminated. In between each stage there will be three Chance Times. (From Mario Party) This will help any last place people catch up in points. If you are caught cheating, you will be disqualified. Those are the rules.
DIDDY: Cool.
TAJ: Now for special guest hosts. Vice-versa!!
DONKEY KONG: Who?
TAJ: She's a magikoopa from Mario's world. She'll be handling the Chance Times, camera shots, etc. Next, is the voice from MORTAL KOMBAT!!
MK VOICE: Thank you.
TAJ: He'll be announcing eliminations and finishes.
MK VOICE: Don't forget fatalities.
TAJ: Yes yes and fatalities. Next is Lakitu from Mario Kart. He'll be starting the races.
LAKITU: Thank you.
TAJ: But the honor of starting the first stage....he's a powerful person capable of anything. He has featured in a game called F-ZERO X. He has also played a secret person in Smash Bros. He's strong, fast, and the sky isn't even the limit for him. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....PRESENTING...CAPTAIN FALCOLN!!!!!!
(Captain Falcoln steps out and everyone cheers.)
KAZOOIE: IT'S HIM!!! IT'S CAPTAIN FALCOLN!!!!
C. FALCOLN: What's up?!!
(Ladies from the crowd call his name. As he looks and smiles, the ladies faint.)
WIZPIG: Hmph. Show off.
DIDDY: Do I detect jealously, Pork Face?
TAJ: Now, it's time to start the races.
ALL: Yay!!!
TAJ: But first, a word from our sponsor.
ALL: Oh.
(Commercial)
HOST LADY: Today, people who didn't send money Western Union, and the heartbreak it caused. (To guests.) So, what happened?
BANJO: My friends and I were having this here race.
HOST: Mm hm.
BANJO: But we needed to give a company money to air one of our commercials, so we told Kazooie here to send the money.
KAZOOIE: I did.
BANJO: But not Western Union.
PRINCESS TOADSTOOL (From the crowd): YOUR FRIENDS TRUSTED YOU TO SEND THE MONEY AND YOU DIDN'T USE WESTERN UNION?!!!
BANJO: No. And it STILL ain't made it there.
HOST: And what does the company have to say?
SMASH BROS.: (ALL ANGRY) THANKS A LOT!!!!!
VOICE: Western Union. The fastest way to send money.
(Commercial ends)

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